ozmissage: (Don't Let Go)
[personal profile] ozmissage

Title: I Would Keep You, If I Could
Pairing: Juliet/Sawyer
Rating: R (sexual content)
Word Count: 1,981
Warning: Angst. A whole lot of angst, with bonus time-traveling.
Spoilers: Through “The Incident”
Summary: Sawyer can’t hold on to her.
Disclaimer: Lost is not mine. Neither is “Downtown”. Some dialogue is excerpted from “The Incident”, “Through the Looking Glass”, and “One of Us.”
A/N: Written for[info]eponine119 who requested OTPs. This is the only true OTP Lost has ever given me. My apologies for the angst, I hope you enjoy it anyway. :)
 

It begins as a low hum. The air tastes charged, electric as it would before a storm. Then without warning everything goes white. The light drowns out all of the noise, all of the chaos, all of the anguish that was gnawing in his chest. The whole world is white and empty, and a numbness settles over him. It’s a wonderful relief, the nothingness, until it ends.

***

He’s back on the edge of the well, her fingers wrapped around his wrist. She’s looking up at him, her face calm and reassuring.

“It’s okay.”

She’s letting go. He feels his grip slipping, he can’t hold her, and she won’t stay.

“I love you, James, I love you so much.”

She slips out of his hands. Again. But it doesn’t feel like again, it feels like the first time, the only time.

The absence of her shocks him. Her weight was his anchor, an assurance that she was still there, still alive.

Now his hand is only grasping air.

***

There is an acrid smell of burning on the air. Bacon, forgotten. It turns his stomach and bile rises in his throat. He swallows, forcing it down.

He’s in their bed, alone. His heart is beating too fast and he feels disoriented, as if he has just awoken from a nightmare, but he doesn’t remember dreaming.

He runs his hand over the space where she should be. It’s cold.

Something feels wrong. He needs to see her.

He dresses quickly; his hands shake as he fastens the buttons on his jump suit. He’s not sure why.

He makes his way down the stairs. With each step the feeling of dread grows.

She’s not here, he thinks.

But she is. She’s standing by the window, staring out at something, her breakfast forgotten on the stove.

He relaxes, feeling stupid.

Of course she’s here, where else would she be?

***

She’s beside him. Her fingertips are tracing the curve of his spine. The sensation makes his breath hitch. It’s familiar territory, after three years. She knows his body, like he knows hers. They could draw roadmaps to all of their sweet spots, and some nights they do just that with their mouths and their hands.

The feeling soothes him. His eyelids are drifting shut.

He hears her voice at his ear, but it sounds far away.

“Are you sleeping?”

“I’m awake,” he says, but he’s not sure it’s true.

***

“You going to show me what you’ve got or not?”

He blinks, trying to focus. He must have let his mind drift. She’s staring at him, smirking in fact, a full house splayed on the table in front of her.

He looks down at his own hand, two pair, aces and eights, all black--- the dead man’s hand.

The hairs on the back of his neck rise, but he grins anyway.

“Looks like you got me, Sweetheart.”

She nods, satisfied, and gathers the cards up to shuffle for the next round.

“Try paying attention this time, okay?”

“I’ll do my best.”

***

“And you may find somebody kind, to help and understand you, someone who is just like you…”

He’s humming that damn song again. She plays it all the time, day and night, whether she’s in a good mood or a bad one, it doesn’t matter. Then it gets in his head and all day long he hears the sunshine voice of Petula Clark.

He’s standing in the shower, hot water stinging his eyes, when the hum dies on his lips.

He can’t remember what comes next.

***

She’s breathing quick and irregular. He opens his eyes and she’s above him, her hips rocking against his. There’s sweat beading on her forehead, her blonde hair is sticking to her face.

She’s beautiful, he thinks.

He’s moving inside of her, but he forces himself to stop. He sits up slightly, pulling her towards him as he does. He kisses her, roughly, desperately.

She pulls away and it takes everything he has to let her.

She’s looking into his eyes, concerned. She runs a thumb over his trembling lips.

“James, what’s wrong?”

His voice is raw and broken, when he speaks.

“I love you.”

Before she can respond, he rolls her onto her back and thrusts into her, making her gasp.

***

Outside, thunder claps and she gasps.

“Damnit, the sheets!”

He watches dazed, as she runs to the backdoor. There’s a book in his hands, but he doesn’t remember reading.

He hears the backdoor slam shut and he can’t see her anymore. This unnerves him. He gets up and pads his way across the kitchen, and steps out barefoot, onto the cool wood of their porch.

He stands there watching her remove the sheets from the line. The wind is picking up, causing the sheets to ripple. She disappears behind one and he can only see parts of her---a hand, a strand of hair caught in the breeze.

Just a shadow moving behind the white. Something about the image seems familiar.

“Are going to help me, or are you going to stand there all day?”

She sounds annoyed. The first raindrop falls from the sky and lands on his face. He shivers. There’s something charged about the air. Electric, almost.

“I’m coming!” he calls back.

***

“It’s customary to kiss the girl goodnight at the end of the date.”

Her arms are around his neck, and she’s staring up at him, a look of mischief in her eyes.

What are they doing?

He feels lost. This…what are they doing?

“Am I going to have to make the first move?”

She rolls her eyes and closes the space between them. Her lips are on his, and it comes back to him. They were on a date. Their first “official” date. They had a picnic, watched an old movie over at the Dharma rec room, why does it feel like it happened so long ago?

But she’s here, solid against him. It’s not long ago, it’s now. She pulls away and winks at him.

“Goodnight, James.”

She shuts the door before he can say anything.

***

“Juliet!”

He’s standing on their--her--porch. She was just here. He’s sure she was just here, beside him.

He’s starting to panic.

He rushes down the steps, and spins around, searching for her.

She couldn’t have gone far.

She was beside him.

Right beside him.

“Juliet!”

People are staring now. Horace approaches from across the grass, looking concerned.

“Everything all right, Jim?”

He looks at Horace, confused.

“No, I need to find Juliet.”

“She was over at the motor pool a few minutes ago…”

He’s already running. He tries to find her among the Dharma vans and the men in blue work suits.

She’s not here, a voice whispers in the back of his mind.

But she is. He sees her, her head is buried under the hood of a car, her hands fiddling with a wrench.

He reaches out to touch her…

***

He’s falling forward. His head is spinning and his mouth tastes like stale liquor. He’s vaguely aware of hands on him; someone is pushing him onto a couch. He feels grateful to be off his feet.

“Thanks, Horace, I’ll take him from here.”

Juliet. He was looking for her…

“Do you think he’ll be able to work tomorrow?”

It’s Horace.

“Absolutely, he just needs to sleep it off.”

He listens as the door opens. The distant murmur of their goodbyes nearly lulls him to sleep, but then he feels her next to him.

She’s pulling off his boots. They hit the floor with an ominous thud. Then she leans down to pull a throw over him, her hair tickles his cheek.

He catches her arm, as she moves to leave.

He needs to tell her something. He’s losing her. He sees it now. She’s slipping. He’s losing her.

“Don’t leave me,” he pleads.

“I’m just going to bed, James. I’ll be right upstairs.”

He has to make her understand. He tightens his grip on her arm.

“James, you’re hurting me.” There’s a hint of warning in her voice.

“You can’t let go.”

“You’re drunk,” she says flatly. Her patience is waning.

“No,” his voice cracks. “No, I’m not…you don’t understand, you can’t let go.”

He sits up and stares into her eyes, willing her to understand.

“Promise me, you won’t let go.”

She looks confused and tired and there’s no truth in her voice when she says, “I promise.”

Darkness is creeping over him, his eyes are drifting shut. He lets go of her arm.

***

He’s in a field. A rifle is heavy in his hand; his finger is on the trigger. A shot rings out, but he didn’t fire.

He feels lost, confused. Why is he here?

He turns.

She’s behind him, rifle in hand, her face steady and calm.

***

He’s holding her hand. They’re running and fire is raining down from the sky. Is this hell?

She turns to go back, but he pulls her forward, towards the darkness of the jungle.

He doesn’t want to stop, he never wants to stop.

***

He’s falling. Below him is nothing but ocean. Why? The helicopter. He jumped. Wasn’t he on the beach before? It doesn’t make sense.

The impact takes his breath away. He gasps and his lungs fill with water. He coughs and sputters. He swims out of instinct. He feels like each lap is bringing him closer to…something.

He’s exhausted, but he keeps moving.

At last he sees a flash of gold on the horizon. A mirage? No, it’s a person. Someone is waiting on the shore.

***

He’s dry now. Wasn’t he wet before?

“It’s a runway.”

“A runway for what?”

“The aliens.”

She turns and smiles at him.

He understands now. He’s losing her; he’s losing her piece by piece.

***

She’s standing in front of him, blue eyes flashing. Sayid’s at his side. There’s a case in his hand.

“I'm taking that medication back to Claire. And you're going to let me. Because if she doesn't get it, she's going to die. And the last thing that either of you need right now is more blood on your hands. “

She reaches out to take the case from him. Their fingers brush. The contact stirs something in him. She’s one of them, he thinks.

But no, that’s not right. She’s…

Mine?

***

The last time he sees her is the first time he sees her.

She has him cornered in the jungle.

His tongue moves to form her name. It’s all that he has left. He thinks if he gives it to her like a kiss, they’ll both wake up. This will all have been a horrible dream.

He parts his lips to speak.

She smiles.

Then a shock hits him, knocks him to the ground.

His vision goes white. Then there’s nothing.

***

He comes to on the jungle floor. The air is thick and humid. His head is aching. He groans and pushes himself unsteadily to his feet. Kate, Jack, Hurley, Jin, and Sayid are with him, all looking as disoriented as he feels.

He tastes blood on his lips. He reaches up and touches his face. His nose is bleeding.

“Son of a bitch,” he curses. “What the hell are we doing out in the middle of the damn jungle?”

“I don’t know,” Jack replies shakily.

They’re standing next to a crater. It’s a huge, gaping thing.

“What caused that, Doc?”

Jack looks at the others helplessly. He doesn’t know.

“We should get back to the camp. Maybe the others know what’s going on.”

Kate nods in agreement. They all turn to follow Jack back to the beach.

Sawyer stays a moment longer, staring into the crater.

“That’s one hell of a hole,” he mutters, before jogging to catch up with the others.

 

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Date: 7/17/09 04:16 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mollivanders.livejournal.com
O_O oh my gosh. this was so. well. done.

I had no idea where you were going at first and then I realized he was going backwards through time, through his memories, and while he was losing her she wasn't going backwards so she didn't know and oh :( and yet :) for a very good job.

you also gave me some Lost plot bunnies so... *runs off*

Date: 7/17/09 07:16 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ozmissage.livejournal.com
Thank you! I was a little worried about whether or not the time-travelling would come across, so I'm really glad it worked for you.

And yay for plot bunnies! I can't wait to see what you come up with. :)

Date: 7/17/09 04:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] scandaloussteph.livejournal.com
This is so sad, poor James, and Juliet, but oh my goodness, the angst.
It's extremely well written, bravo, but now I am ... ;____ ;

Date: 7/17/09 07:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ozmissage.livejournal.com
Thank you! I'm sorry for making you sad though, this one was pretty heavy with the angst.

Date: 7/17/09 05:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] cantbesilent.livejournal.com
Ohhhhhh - how terribly lovely. This made me very sad, you did a very good job with it. How heartbreaking. I can't bear that idea, him not remembering, and the way you had him loose it little by little was very sad and very well done. Good job.

Date: 7/17/09 07:19 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ozmissage.livejournal.com
Thank you so much! I sincerely hope we don't have to deal with anything like this on the show, I don't think my heart could take it.

Date: 7/17/09 06:23 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] badboy-fangirl.livejournal.com
I really, really, really like this. All the best J/J bits revisited in a different manner than we first had them.

Absolutely brilliant. Thanks for posting!

Date: 7/17/09 07:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ozmissage.livejournal.com
Aww, thank you so much!

Date: 7/17/09 06:38 pm (UTC)
ext_399538: (Default)
From: [identity profile] bold-seer.livejournal.com
Wonderful. Sawyer's confusion, his anguish - you handled it marvellously.

Date: 7/17/09 07:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ozmissage.livejournal.com
Thank you, I'm really glad you liked it!

Date: 7/17/09 07:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] chev-y.livejournal.com
The memories of Juliet being stolen from him, little by little, as time resets itself, is heartbreaking.

This is a beautiful story and well written. I found it very creative and interesting. Thank you so much for posting.

Date: 7/18/09 12:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ozmissage.livejournal.com
Thank you for such lovely feedback! I'm glad you liked it.

Date: 7/17/09 08:09 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] propernice.livejournal.com
oh my gosh, I love this so much. At first I thought it would just be snippets of their life together, and then I realized what you were doing - rewinding the tape and having him forget piece by piece. That was heart breaking and wonderful <3

Date: 7/18/09 12:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ozmissage.livejournal.com
Thank you!

Date: 7/17/09 08:25 pm (UTC)
jesterlady: (lostjuliethero)
From: [personal profile] jesterlady
Oh, that's horrible! Why does he remember everyone else? :( But it was beautiful. I loved it! Nicely done.

Date: 7/18/09 12:23 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ozmissage.livejournal.com
I was going with the idea that by detonating the bomb Juliet somehow changed time and she would no longer have to come to the island.
The others by virtue of being touched by Jacob would have to come no matter what (I'm assuming).
Heh, time travel makes my brain hurt, I hope whatever the show comes up with is less headache inducing than that.

Anyway, thank you for the feedback, I'm really glad you enjoyed it!

Date: 7/17/09 09:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tellshannon815.livejournal.com
Great work! Loved the idea of this, although I will admit to hoping it doesn't turn out like this on the show.

Date: 7/18/09 12:25 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ozmissage.livejournal.com
Me and you both. I'm hoping there's no reset at all; I want everyone remembering exactly what's happened to them during the last three years.

Thank you for the feedback! :)

Date: 7/18/09 01:03 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wtfsignmeup2.livejournal.com
This killed me,so sad. I loved it, but it broke my heart.

Date: 7/18/09 12:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ozmissage.livejournal.com
Thank you! I try for less angst next time. ;)

Date: 7/18/09 03:06 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] phelipa.livejournal.com
Wow, what a unique idea! I love it, the whole revisiting all those scenarios as he went back in time was fabulous. This was really well written, very enjoyable! It was interesting that as he went farther back in time he began to forget, to the point where, at the end, he looked into the hole and had no idea what it meant. I really loved the last line, I think it was my favourite part. Thank you so much for sharing, this was a wonderful read :)

Date: 7/18/09 12:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ozmissage.livejournal.com
Aww, thank you so much! I'm glad you liked the last line, I wasn't sure if it was going to come off a little hokey or not, but in the end I figured if a hole metaphor was good enough for Joss Whedon, it was good enough for me. ;)

Date: 7/18/09 05:24 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] eponine119.livejournal.com
Oh, this was amazing. I loved it. They are my canon OTP. The way this was written was beautiful, the electric charges in the air and that feeling of being sucked backward through time.

Date: 7/18/09 12:30 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ozmissage.livejournal.com
Thank you so much! I've read and loved all of your Juliet/Sawyer fic, so it means a lot to me that you liked it. :)

Date: 7/18/09 07:19 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] op-de-radio.livejournal.com
I don't know if you've ever seen Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, but this is almost exactly like this. His memories are disappears, flashing before his eyes.
That was amazing though. Great, great, and sad concept.

Date: 7/18/09 12:31 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ozmissage.livejournal.com
Heh, I almost name checked Eternal Sunshine in my author's note because I was thinking of it while I was writing. It's one of my favorite movies actually. :)

Thank you for the feedback!

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] op-de-radio.livejournal.com - Date: 7/18/09 08:10 pm (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] ozmissage.livejournal.com - Date: 7/21/09 01:41 pm (UTC) - Expand

Date: 7/18/09 02:04 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] afishwithawish.livejournal.com
*-* Loved it....! Really! I really liked how you showed James slowly losing her, feeling her being erased from his memories. :'( Perfect job! Thank you for sharing and keep it up! ^^

Date: 7/18/09 02:55 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ozmissage.livejournal.com
Aww, thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed it!

Date: 7/19/09 05:37 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] siobeehan.livejournal.com
Guh, this just broke my heart completely, but I loved it so much. The thought of Sawyer losing all memory of Juliet kills me, but the way you had him trying to hold onto her and not being able to, even at the very end, was so perfectly done.

I also loved that you revisited all those paticular, important moments in their relationship and the connections and parallels you drew from them to their last moment in the finale. Just amazing.

Date: 7/20/09 02:41 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ozmissage.livejournal.com
Thank you so much! I really can't stand the thought of Sawyer forgetting Juliet either, but the plot bunny wouldn't go away. ;)

Date: 7/19/09 09:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] krilymcc.livejournal.com
This was beautiful.

Date: 7/20/09 02:42 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ozmissage.livejournal.com
Thank you!

Date: 7/20/09 01:16 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] valhalla37.livejournal.com
I can't believe it's taken me so long to comment on this -- I was blown away on my first read-through (apparently to the point where I forgot to post anything, lol).

Anyway, just wanted to say kudos for an amazing concept and even better execution; your style is so fluid and lovely, and the end result is totally gut-wrenching.

Date: 7/20/09 02:44 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ozmissage.livejournal.com
Thank you so much, I'm glad you liked it! :)

Date: 7/20/09 02:00 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] livlovlaugh.livejournal.com
This made me tear up a bit. Sensational writing, and the idea is brilliant. Great work. <3

Date: 7/20/09 02:45 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ozmissage.livejournal.com
Aww, thank you! I'm hoping that I'll manage to write some non-angsty Juliet/Sawyer fic one of these days. ;)

Date: 7/20/09 06:13 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] alliecat8.livejournal.com
OH, so sad. But I loved the backward style. It took a few scenes for me to catch on, but when I did it was a fun read, in spite of what I knew was going to be a tragic ending. Though actually in a way it wasn't, because they're starting over without their memories. Starting over. I wonder what comes next.

Excellent job!

Date: 7/20/09 12:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ozmissage.livejournal.com
Thank you! I'm glad you saw the tiny bit of hopefulness in the ending. There's always the chance that they could meet again. :)

Date: 7/20/09 10:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] angela-weber.livejournal.com
Ohhhh, wow, I think my heart is broken. I love the style of this, the way he keeps losing her again and again and it builds and builds and builds and then there's just this complete emptiness, this gigantic hole in his memory--like the crater. It is so sad but so well-done, so wonderfully written. Absolutely beautiful.

Date: 7/21/09 01:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ozmissage.livejournal.com
Thank you so much! I'm glad you liked it. :)

Date: 7/21/09 12:32 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] zelda-zee.livejournal.com
OMG, so good. I really love it – the way you constructed it, as Sawyer slowly grasps what’s happening and the brilliant little glimpses we get into their lives. Not a pairing I usually read, but I liked this so much, and think it’s very well-written.

Date: 7/21/09 01:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ozmissage.livejournal.com
Wow, thank you so much! :)

Date: 7/21/09 08:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jazzpno.livejournal.com
That was beautiful and haunting. So close to canon...but better. You fill the holes in their story completely, yet leave me wanting more.

Very nicely done.

Date: 7/21/09 08:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ozmissage.livejournal.com
Thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed it. :)

Date: 7/24/09 08:54 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] alemyrddin.livejournal.com
this was incredibly eerie and heartbreaking, but so well done.
great job!

Date: 7/24/09 02:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ozmissage.livejournal.com
Thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed it. :)

Date: 7/26/09 11:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] whimsey.livejournal.com
I love this because it is unlike any of the Sawyer/Juliet stories I've read.

I can sense Sawyer's confusion until he realizes he is going back in time and losing Juliet. Sad, but beautifully written.

Date: 7/26/09 11:29 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ozmissage.livejournal.com
Thank you! :)

Date: 7/27/09 09:33 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] elliotsmelliot.livejournal.com
I should not have read this immediately after your Dan/Charlotte fic. You combine romance and tragedy so well. I was not sold on this pairing in S5, not because I didn't believe it could happen, I just wanted to see it happen. You gave me that. This really reminded me of The Constant.

Do you mind if I friend you? I really enjoy your fics and want to keep up to date with them.

Date: 7/28/09 12:18 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ozmissage.livejournal.com
Wow, thank you so much! The Constant is one of my favorite episodes and I was thinking of it while I was writing.

Not at all, friend away. :)
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