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ozmissageTitle: we’re never going home until the sun says we’re finished
Pairing: Sawyer/Juliet
Rating: R (sex)
Words: 1,665
Spoilers: Through “La Fleur”.
Disclaimer: Not mine. Title from “Blue Jeans and White T-Shirts” by the Gaslight Anthem.
Summary: There’s only one reason she wouldn’t remember this day and that was if she had finally given up.
A/N: Written for![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
missj0nes who asked for Juliet/Sawyer Dharma era angst at the wish meme.
Three years, three decades, six months…it all flows together, it all adds up until its sum total begins to feel like forever.
What shocks Juliet the most about 1974 is how very similar it is to 2004. She gets up every morning and waves at people she’ll never really know, kills time reading books she’s read a dozen times before, lives next door to a man who will never really be hers. There’s a sense of futility growing just beneath the surface; this is her life and it will never change.
Home is a foreign concept these days. She knows that there was a time when she had a sister, friends from college who came to visit on the holidays, an Indian restaurant she ate at every week where the owner knew her by name. She used to stand in line at the supermarket, idly flipping through magazines she would never really buy as she waited to pay for her gallon of milk. It wasn’t a thrilling existence, but it was normal, it was real.
This time traveling, gun-toting, death soaked world she lives in now, this one that stretches on and on until it’s all she can remember, until she’s sure it’s all that’s ever been, seems like make believe in contrast.
Six months after the world stops skipping, on a sunny Thursday afternoon with her head bent over an engine Juliet remembers what day it is. Four years ago, or twenty-six years from now depending on your perspective, she stepped off a sub and saw this island for the first time.
She drops her wrench. The sound, dull and metallic, reverberates through the engine, scaring the skittish boy working next to her. He swears and she ignores him, rips off her gloves and starts walking.
This is one day she’s never forgotten, never let slip away unobserved. In the past she would spend her anniversary pleading her case with Ben or she would allow herself to think of Rachel, to formulate plans of escape in her head. It was a day to remember who she was, who she used to be, who she would be again. There’s only one reason she wouldn’t remember and that was if she had finally given up.
She makes it to the dock before she stops. The sub is gone, off to the mainland to pick up supplies. There’s nowhere to go so she sits down and lets her feet dangle from the side, takes a deep breath and hopes her heart will slow to a normal rhythm.
She feels his footsteps before she sees him, knows his step without turning around and even in her current state of panic she wonders when his presence had become so familiar.
“You alright there, Blondie?”
His voice is cautious like he thinks she might bite. Juliet turns answers over in her head looking for a suitable response, something easy that will satisfy him and send him on his way.
Nothing comes in the end but the truth.
“No James, I’m not alright.”
He sighs and settles down beside her, his leg brushing against hers.
“Want to talk about it?”
“Not really.”
He’s quiet, staring out at the ocean like it might offer him some advice about how to handle a woman he only thinks he knows. She finds it funny the number of times she’s hauled him into his bed his breath stinking with alcohol and nonsense tumbling from his lips, since they arrived here. She’s taken it upon herself to hold him together, to keep him going for the rest of them and she’s not even sure why.
She gets to her feet without a word and he catches her hand, grips it tightly so she can’t pull away.
“What’s going on? I need you to talk to me.”
His voice is too soft, too close to sounding like he really gives a damn and somehow that bothers her most of all.
“This just isn’t a good day,” she says, silently willing him to leave it at that.
“Well then, that explains everything. Just like you to go all Norma Rae and stomp off in the middle of a job. Whatcha protesting, your salary or the monkey suit?” he scoffs.
“Just leave it alone, James.”
She jerks her hand away, but he’s fast. He pushes himself up from the dock and moves in front of her, refusing to let her pass. He’s staring at her like maybe he can find the answer etched on her face. She blinks, forcing herself to stay calm.
“No,” he says.
She takes a step back, her frustration mounting by the second.
“It’s my anniversary,” she says bitterly. “Four years on this godforsaken island and I forgot.”
He looks away and she knows he’s remembering the same thing she is, the two of them on this very dock six months ago, him pleading with her to stay. It’s easy to tell herself this is all his fault.
“So you forgot,” he says. “That don’t mean nothing. Hell, it’s probably for the best, dwelling ain’t going to change a damn thing.”
She laughs and it sounds dangerous even to her own ears.
“That’s never seemed to stop you.”
The muscles in his jaw clench and she knows she’s hit a sore spot. They don’t talk about his benders or how many times she’s listened to him go on about the one that got away. It’s something that exists between them unacknowledged unless it’s happening.
“You wanna wallow? Fine by me. Let’s go back to your place and pour a couple of shots of bourbon and you can tell me all your troubles.”
“I don’t need a drinking partner.”
“Then tell me what to do, Juliet. You want me to leave you alone? To tell me I’m a sorry son of bitch for making you stay? What?”
“I want my life back.”
The words tumble out before she can stop them and they sound every bit as ragged and broken as they did in her head.
“I feel like I’m gone. Do you understand that? I forgot the worst day of my life, just forgot. This is normal now. If I keep staying here, there’s not going to be any me left.”
“Listen to me it’s 1974, there’s nothing out there for you,” he says.
His hand is cupping the side of her face, pity in his eyes and she wants nothing more than to be far, far away from this dock.
“There’s nothing here for me either,” she says and his hand drops. She doesn’t stay long enough to see if she was imagining the hurt on his face.
She pushes past him and starts walking towards her empty house, so quiet since Dan left. If she stays here they’ll surely pair her with someone else, some smiling, happy Dharma member who she’ll inevitably hate. This is just one more reason to start packing her bags.
***
An hour passes before Juliet hears a knock and she reluctantly stops stuffing the few possessions she’s acquired since she got here into a duffel bag in order to answer the door. She knows it’s James ready for round two, knows that he’ll ask her to stay again because he’s too damn scared of being alone. She’s ready for him this time, ready for his sad eyes and little boy grin, ready for the way he makes her feel guilty when he doesn’t have any right to ask her for anything at all.
She opens the door and he doesn’t say anything just pushes his way inside, his hands going to her hips, forcing her back against the wall. He kisses her roughly, the stubble on his chin scraping across his face. She notes that there’s no hint of liquor on his tongue; she’s mildly surprised that he arrived at this tactic sober.
She puts her hands on his shoulders and pushes him gently away.
“Stop,” she says and he looks pained. “This isn’t going to make me to stay.”
“I’m not trying to make you stay, Blondie.”
“Then what are you doing?”
He smiles faintly and leans in again, but this time his lips come to rest near her ear.
“Proving a point,” he whispers.
“And what point would that be?”
“That you’re not gone.”
Juliet shivers. She’s never been this close to him before, not like this. She promised herself she wouldn’t cross this line, wouldn’t start fucking another man who was thinking of someone else.
His head dips down until his lips are on her neck and she groans despite herself. She’s spent the whole day feeling like she was coming apart; drowning in her own head and this is the closest thing to a respite she’s found.
His body is pressed against hers, holding her against the wall. His hand slides up her shirt and she goes for the zipper of his jeans without thinking. She wants to forget even if it’s only for a moment and she knows in the second before she wraps her legs around his waist, before he thrusts into her that this was his intent all along. She listens, he fucks. This is his way of paying her back.
She dimly thinks that maybe he’s beginning to figure her out after all before he shifts his hips and she stops thinking about anything.
***
“I’m not going to leave,” she whispers.
He’s half asleep, sprawled on his stomach, face buried in his pillow.
“I know,” he mumbles.
“I’m not staying because of this. I need you to understand that. I’m staying because you were right. If I leave, I’m giving up; it means I really believe that I’ll never go home.”
He rolls over and wraps an arm around her waist.
“And you don’t believe that?” he asks.
She closes her eyes and pictures Rachel and Julian, happy and laughing, just like she always does on this day. Then she pictures herself beside them.
She’s not gone.
“Not anymore.”
Pairing: Sawyer/Juliet
Rating: R (sex)
Words: 1,665
Spoilers: Through “La Fleur”.
Disclaimer: Not mine. Title from “Blue Jeans and White T-Shirts” by the Gaslight Anthem.
Summary: There’s only one reason she wouldn’t remember this day and that was if she had finally given up.
A/N: Written for
missj0nes who asked for Juliet/Sawyer Dharma era angst at the wish meme.Three years, three decades, six months…it all flows together, it all adds up until its sum total begins to feel like forever.
What shocks Juliet the most about 1974 is how very similar it is to 2004. She gets up every morning and waves at people she’ll never really know, kills time reading books she’s read a dozen times before, lives next door to a man who will never really be hers. There’s a sense of futility growing just beneath the surface; this is her life and it will never change.
Home is a foreign concept these days. She knows that there was a time when she had a sister, friends from college who came to visit on the holidays, an Indian restaurant she ate at every week where the owner knew her by name. She used to stand in line at the supermarket, idly flipping through magazines she would never really buy as she waited to pay for her gallon of milk. It wasn’t a thrilling existence, but it was normal, it was real.
This time traveling, gun-toting, death soaked world she lives in now, this one that stretches on and on until it’s all she can remember, until she’s sure it’s all that’s ever been, seems like make believe in contrast.
Six months after the world stops skipping, on a sunny Thursday afternoon with her head bent over an engine Juliet remembers what day it is. Four years ago, or twenty-six years from now depending on your perspective, she stepped off a sub and saw this island for the first time.
She drops her wrench. The sound, dull and metallic, reverberates through the engine, scaring the skittish boy working next to her. He swears and she ignores him, rips off her gloves and starts walking.
This is one day she’s never forgotten, never let slip away unobserved. In the past she would spend her anniversary pleading her case with Ben or she would allow herself to think of Rachel, to formulate plans of escape in her head. It was a day to remember who she was, who she used to be, who she would be again. There’s only one reason she wouldn’t remember and that was if she had finally given up.
She makes it to the dock before she stops. The sub is gone, off to the mainland to pick up supplies. There’s nowhere to go so she sits down and lets her feet dangle from the side, takes a deep breath and hopes her heart will slow to a normal rhythm.
She feels his footsteps before she sees him, knows his step without turning around and even in her current state of panic she wonders when his presence had become so familiar.
“You alright there, Blondie?”
His voice is cautious like he thinks she might bite. Juliet turns answers over in her head looking for a suitable response, something easy that will satisfy him and send him on his way.
Nothing comes in the end but the truth.
“No James, I’m not alright.”
He sighs and settles down beside her, his leg brushing against hers.
“Want to talk about it?”
“Not really.”
He’s quiet, staring out at the ocean like it might offer him some advice about how to handle a woman he only thinks he knows. She finds it funny the number of times she’s hauled him into his bed his breath stinking with alcohol and nonsense tumbling from his lips, since they arrived here. She’s taken it upon herself to hold him together, to keep him going for the rest of them and she’s not even sure why.
She gets to her feet without a word and he catches her hand, grips it tightly so she can’t pull away.
“What’s going on? I need you to talk to me.”
His voice is too soft, too close to sounding like he really gives a damn and somehow that bothers her most of all.
“This just isn’t a good day,” she says, silently willing him to leave it at that.
“Well then, that explains everything. Just like you to go all Norma Rae and stomp off in the middle of a job. Whatcha protesting, your salary or the monkey suit?” he scoffs.
“Just leave it alone, James.”
She jerks her hand away, but he’s fast. He pushes himself up from the dock and moves in front of her, refusing to let her pass. He’s staring at her like maybe he can find the answer etched on her face. She blinks, forcing herself to stay calm.
“No,” he says.
She takes a step back, her frustration mounting by the second.
“It’s my anniversary,” she says bitterly. “Four years on this godforsaken island and I forgot.”
He looks away and she knows he’s remembering the same thing she is, the two of them on this very dock six months ago, him pleading with her to stay. It’s easy to tell herself this is all his fault.
“So you forgot,” he says. “That don’t mean nothing. Hell, it’s probably for the best, dwelling ain’t going to change a damn thing.”
She laughs and it sounds dangerous even to her own ears.
“That’s never seemed to stop you.”
The muscles in his jaw clench and she knows she’s hit a sore spot. They don’t talk about his benders or how many times she’s listened to him go on about the one that got away. It’s something that exists between them unacknowledged unless it’s happening.
“You wanna wallow? Fine by me. Let’s go back to your place and pour a couple of shots of bourbon and you can tell me all your troubles.”
“I don’t need a drinking partner.”
“Then tell me what to do, Juliet. You want me to leave you alone? To tell me I’m a sorry son of bitch for making you stay? What?”
“I want my life back.”
The words tumble out before she can stop them and they sound every bit as ragged and broken as they did in her head.
“I feel like I’m gone. Do you understand that? I forgot the worst day of my life, just forgot. This is normal now. If I keep staying here, there’s not going to be any me left.”
“Listen to me it’s 1974, there’s nothing out there for you,” he says.
His hand is cupping the side of her face, pity in his eyes and she wants nothing more than to be far, far away from this dock.
“There’s nothing here for me either,” she says and his hand drops. She doesn’t stay long enough to see if she was imagining the hurt on his face.
She pushes past him and starts walking towards her empty house, so quiet since Dan left. If she stays here they’ll surely pair her with someone else, some smiling, happy Dharma member who she’ll inevitably hate. This is just one more reason to start packing her bags.
***
An hour passes before Juliet hears a knock and she reluctantly stops stuffing the few possessions she’s acquired since she got here into a duffel bag in order to answer the door. She knows it’s James ready for round two, knows that he’ll ask her to stay again because he’s too damn scared of being alone. She’s ready for him this time, ready for his sad eyes and little boy grin, ready for the way he makes her feel guilty when he doesn’t have any right to ask her for anything at all.
She opens the door and he doesn’t say anything just pushes his way inside, his hands going to her hips, forcing her back against the wall. He kisses her roughly, the stubble on his chin scraping across his face. She notes that there’s no hint of liquor on his tongue; she’s mildly surprised that he arrived at this tactic sober.
She puts her hands on his shoulders and pushes him gently away.
“Stop,” she says and he looks pained. “This isn’t going to make me to stay.”
“I’m not trying to make you stay, Blondie.”
“Then what are you doing?”
He smiles faintly and leans in again, but this time his lips come to rest near her ear.
“Proving a point,” he whispers.
“And what point would that be?”
“That you’re not gone.”
Juliet shivers. She’s never been this close to him before, not like this. She promised herself she wouldn’t cross this line, wouldn’t start fucking another man who was thinking of someone else.
His head dips down until his lips are on her neck and she groans despite herself. She’s spent the whole day feeling like she was coming apart; drowning in her own head and this is the closest thing to a respite she’s found.
His body is pressed against hers, holding her against the wall. His hand slides up her shirt and she goes for the zipper of his jeans without thinking. She wants to forget even if it’s only for a moment and she knows in the second before she wraps her legs around his waist, before he thrusts into her that this was his intent all along. She listens, he fucks. This is his way of paying her back.
She dimly thinks that maybe he’s beginning to figure her out after all before he shifts his hips and she stops thinking about anything.
***
“I’m not going to leave,” she whispers.
He’s half asleep, sprawled on his stomach, face buried in his pillow.
“I know,” he mumbles.
“I’m not staying because of this. I need you to understand that. I’m staying because you were right. If I leave, I’m giving up; it means I really believe that I’ll never go home.”
He rolls over and wraps an arm around her waist.
“And you don’t believe that?” he asks.
She closes her eyes and pictures Rachel and Julian, happy and laughing, just like she always does on this day. Then she pictures herself beside them.
She’s not gone.
“Not anymore.”
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no subject
Date: 6/2/10 08:11 pm (UTC)This is amazing.
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Date: 6/2/10 09:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 6/2/10 08:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 6/2/10 09:53 pm (UTC)They totally sold that relationship, I'll never understand how they made me feel so strongly about them in such a short time but they definitely did.
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Date: 6/2/10 08:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 6/2/10 09:55 pm (UTC)I don't often get the chance to write angsty Dharma fic, so I totally jumped on this prompt.
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Date: 6/2/10 08:43 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 6/2/10 09:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 6/2/10 09:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 6/2/10 09:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 6/2/10 09:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 6/2/10 09:57 pm (UTC)I'm still feeling a bit angsty about Juliet post-finale so I kind of think that added to melancholy.
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Date: 6/2/10 10:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 6/3/10 01:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 6/2/10 10:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 6/3/10 01:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 6/3/10 02:24 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 6/4/10 06:14 pm (UTC)(and you KNOW he had the saddest look on his face)
Holloway has the best sad expressions ever. I have no idea how to capture the sheer amount of sadness he can put into a frown with words. I feel like I should just type insert Sawyer sad face here. :D
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Date: 6/3/10 02:38 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 6/3/10 05:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 6/3/10 07:38 am (UTC)I love your Juliet voice and your insight into both of them - Sawyer's "Norma Rae" was brilliant!
Thanks.
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Date: 6/3/10 05:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 6/4/10 03:47 pm (UTC)xxx
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Date: 6/4/10 06:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 6/4/10 04:45 pm (UTC)Wow, wow, wow ... I love how you're able to look at so many different facets of their relationship, and you grasp the nuances of all of them so completely, so fully. And I LOVE that you actually look at Juliet's struggle in staying and having to face the fact she's still on the island (it's even more heart-wrenching knowing that she doesn't ever really get back home to his sister and nephew), that it wasn't all just hearts and sunshine while they were with Dharma. But having said that, you still manage to balance the hardness and the softness of both the characters -- how they want to help each other but what's stopping them from making that connection, how they kind of strip away all the untruths, and it makes their relationship so much more whole and realistic.
Ack, personal canon, done and done. Love this so much.
no subject
Date: 6/4/10 06:18 pm (UTC)I'm in such a weird place with these two right now. I love them dearly, but they make me hurt so freaking much. It was nice to be able to channel that and look at the darker parts of their relationship for a change.
I think they're a lot more complicated than they appear on screen, that's why I'm always going to appreciate Dharma Days. There's so much room to play.
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Date: 6/5/10 01:00 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 6/5/10 04:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 6/6/10 08:22 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 6/6/10 03:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 6/9/10 02:17 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 6/9/10 01:56 pm (UTC)It's weird but everything sort of starts at the dock for them in my head. That's very much their spot to me. I think that's why I initially had such a bad reaction to the S/K scene that was set there early in the season.
no subject
Date: 5/2/11 04:26 am (UTC)Anyway, awesome work!!
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Date: 5/2/11 04:40 am (UTC)Gee, I don't know if you like them together or think it's just convenient.
They are one of my truest OTPs, but I don't believe for a second there was anything easy about the way their relationship started. For them in the beginning it was merely a convenience. He loved someone else and there's a darkness in that beginning that appeals to me. Very few of my fics take a lighter tone where they're concerned. I just never saw them that way. (And on a note specific to this fic, the recipient asked for angst...I aim to please. ;))
no subject
Date: 5/2/11 01:05 pm (UTC)Right when I finished this, I read another two Sawyer/Juliet fic you wrote and those were happy so I know that you can do it, LOL (I might or might not be going through your "Sawyer/Juliet" tag.