Lost Fic: A Bird on a Wire (Sawyer)
3/20/10 11:08 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ozmissageTitle: A Bird on a Wire
Character: Sawyer (Sawyer/Juliet, past Kate/Sawyer)
Rating: PG-13
Words: 1,785
Warning: Massive “Recon” spoilers.
Disclaimer: Sawyer’s certainly not mine. And the title belongs to one Mr. Leonard Cohen.
Summary: He tells the woman his name is Sawyer and it feels dirty on his tongue.
A/N: So why is this fic here instead of one the fifty WIP’s I should be working on? Blame Sawyer. He apparently doesn’t respond well to fangirls being angry at him these days because after “Recon” he held my muse hostage and refused to give her back until we worked things out. This fic owes a great debt to Doc Jensen and to ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif){kind=small}
angela_weber who graciously lets me rant about Sawyer vs. James in her journal. I’m not saying Sawyer and I are on speaking terms just yet, but we’re getting there. However if he does anything stupid next week all bets are off.
Like a baby stillborn
Like a beast with his horn
I have torn everyone who reached out to me.
But I swear by this song
And all that I have done wrong
I will make it up to thee.
---Leonard Cohen, “Like a Bird on a Wire.”
It’s only been three days.
His hands are still blistered from digging her grave, a constant pain made worse when he picks up a hot kettle without thinking.
He doesn’t mind. He needs to remember every second of every minute of every day if he has any hopes of making this work.
This is going to be his last con.
(This one’s for you, Blondie.)
***
A dead man and a con man walk into a cave.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one before.
Not-Locke made one crucial mistake. He walked into James’s house and said it wasn’t his. Said it was just where he lived for awhile.
(Really you son of a bitch?
That why I got a bottle in my hand? Let me give you the tour:
Over there is where I beat her at poker and watched her eyes narrow when she tried to act like she didn’t care, and right there is where we fucked against the wall that time when we couldn’t wait three more steps to get to the bed, and there by the window is where I pissed her off so much she called me Sawyer just to see me flinch, and there and there…
Not my home? Only home I ever had.)
He held his tongue, followed the fucking white rabbit down its hole, found his name on a wall, found hers too but it was scratched out.
They were playing a game, this thing and Jacob whoever the hell that’s supposed to be, and apparently they ain’t finished just yet.
There’s a name missing from the wall, he notices that too, notices and feels his chest tighten.
He’s only ever cared about two people and these bastards are fucking with both of them.
(Shouldn’t try to con a con man, Blondie.
Why’s that?
He knows when to call your bluff.)
***
Kate enters the camp wary and slow like a sleepwalker moving without purpose, just going because she doesn’t know how to stop or maybe just doesn’t want to stop, isn’t sure how she would get up again.
He can see this, all of this, in her eyes, in her cautious smile---it’s not so different from the one on his own face he’s sure.
That’s the way of them, always has been. Kindred spirits him and her, always knew what the other one was thinking.
But he’s not sure she’s reading him now, she couldn’t be and that’s a good thing.
This con’s got miles to go yet, miles and miles.
He thinks he can feel Juliet at his side, a whisper in his ear (she’s always whispering now.)
Be careful. Don’t get too cocky.
Not much hope of that happening, he would have replied.
That would have made her smile.
***
Not-Locke makes it easier. Puts him on a boat and ships him off to sea, recon mission he calls it.
“You’re the best liar I’ve ever met,” he says, those dead eyes trying to stare straight through him.
It’s a test. Where do your loyalties lie son? That’s the question. And if they don’t lie with me, maybe you’ll get your sorry ass killed over there.
That’s the subtext.
He’s gotten good at reading between the lines.
He shoves off like a good little soldier.
Liar, liar.
(Quiet, Blondie.)
***
He set foot on Hydra Island a grand total of six times in three years.
He ain’t saying he was avoiding it.
But he was.
He finds the cage, finds the dress that Kate never would have worn if they had given her a choice. It was too soft, too delicate. Didn’t suit her.
Except that it did, it hugged her in all the right places, tugged at his mind like he was a sixteen year old love struck school boy.
And he was. In love that is.
If it started anywhere, it started here in this cage with her.
It was the first step.
If he had never met Kate he never would have loved her. And if he never loved Kate then he never would have screwed her. And if he had never screwed her he never would have put that first nail in Sawyer’s coffin, never would have jumped from a helicopter, never would have swam out of that ocean and saw Juliet Burke on that shore, never would have…
Well you get the picture.
He holds that dress and feels grateful. She put him on a path. He owes her something (maybe everything).
She didn’t love him back though and he’s grateful for that too.
(What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
I’d say it’s 1976 James, and we’re stuck on an island.
That’s not an answer.
You didn’t really ask.)
There’s so much he’s never going to get to do now, so much he should have done, but he can’t stand the idea that he could have missed it all.
He puts the dress down, thinks of Kate back at the camp scared, pissed off, confused and of Juliet, dead and gone (not really, not ever.)
He can only get one of them home.
It’s better than none.
***
He tells the woman his name is Sawyer and it feels dirty on his tongue.
Ain’t that man anymore, never was, never will be again.
He could be, he could go back home, go back to conning, to not giving a damn about anyone, back to every man for himself and a tiger don’t change its stripes and every other line of bullshit he use to hide behind.
But he won’t.
She called him James, so that’s who he’ll be.
Don’t make me your conscious.
(He forgets sometimes that she could be just as hard as him. Forgets that she could lie and fight and kill. She wasn’t perfect and she hated when he tried to pretend that she was.)
Too late for that, baby.
***
He’s losing his touch; it’s been awhile since he pulled a long con.
La Fleur? That stopped being a con and started being a life the minute he talked her out of getting on that sub.
This is different, this is plotting and planning and staying one step ahead of everyone around him. He forgot how exhausting his line of work could be.
(What do you want to be when you grow up?
Very funny, Blondie.
I wanted to be a ballerina, then I took two lessons and decided I wanted to be a doctor.
You don’t strike me as the ballerina type.
Exactly my point.
I wanted to be a cop.
I could see that.)
“Zoey” sees right through him.
That’s okay, he sees right through her too.
“Take me to your leader,” he says.
She complies. Dumbass.
Takes him down into the belly of a sub, he tries not to think about his last sub trip, tells himself if wishes were horses we’d all have something to ride.
And low and behold there’s Charles Widmore, Mr. Freighter of Death himself.
This is going to get complicated, pitting monster against Daddy Warbucks and hoping they’re too busy watching each other to worry about him, but he can’t think about how hard it’s going to be, he’s just going to have to do it.
He’s going to take this sub, round up Kate, Jin, Sun, Hugo, and Miles and then they’re all going to get the hell out of dodge.
And Jack, she whispers.
He hasn’t made his mind up about that one yet.
***
Sawyer would have had a death wish.
Would have let the hurt and the pain swallow him whole, would have never stopped wallowing, would have found someone to blame and then would have spent every ounce of energy looking for a way to rip them apart.
He wanted to do that too, it was his first instinct---tiger don’t change his stripes, not without a hell of a lot of work anyway.
But that’s not what she would have done.
This is what she would do:
Keep moving, keep living even though it hurts worse than any gunshot or stab wound or broken bone ever could. She would get as many of them off this damn rock as she could, would die trying (did just that.)
My name is James Ford.
He thinks it over and over in his head until it becomes a mantra matching each stroke of his paddle carrying him back to Frankenlocke and Kate and all the rest of them.
James Ford.
He can’t forget that.
(You won’t.
Promise?
Absolutely.)
***
He finds Kate by the fire. He wonders what these past three years were like for her. Wonders what she looked like with a kid on her hip, what happened between her and the doc, if she ever thought of him, what exactly she thought of when she did.
Wonders, but doesn’t ask.
He didn’t travel that road, never will.
“Me and you are getting off this rock, Freckles.”
Old habits die hard, slip of the tongue, or maybe he’s just feeling nostalgic with all of these ghosts of Sawyers past swimming through his mind.
It’s just a name.
She ain’t Freckles any more than he’s Sawyer. But it makes them smile, makes them forget for a moment until he reaches for a stick to stoke the fire and his hand begins to throb.
“I’m doing this for her,” he whispers. “She wanted to get me off this island, so that’s what I’m going to do.”
Kate nods and he knows she understands (kindreds, twins, too much alike, never would have worked out anyhow.)
They’re quiet for a moment, lost in their own worlds, until he breaks the silence.
“Too bad we don’t have any liquor; we could play another round of I never.”
(You ever been in love?
Ask me again, ask me again and I’ll drink the whole damn bottle.)
“We’re too old for drinking games,” she says.
She’s right, they’re too old and it’s too late.
He says good night, finds an empty spot of ground and settles in, tilts his face towards the stars.
Another memory, another ghost comes drifting across his mind:
(Why’d she call you James?
Cause that’s my name.)
James Ford. Three years and he’s still not sure what that means exactly but he knows what it doesn’t.
Can’t be a liar unless it’s for a good cause, can’t go back, can’t quit living, can’t give up, can’t pretend he never met her, can’t, can’t, can’t.
Maybe that’s what she meant by “it worked”.
Made him a real boy when he wasn’t even looking, she was sneaky like that.
I won’t forget who I am, Blondie.
Promises, promises.
This one he aims to keep.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 3/20/10 03:28 pm (UTC)Let me give you the tour.
I loved this section and how his grief and anger just oozed out in the walk down memory lane.
I love the idea that his entire interaction with not-Locke is just another Long Con. Sure, he wants off the island, but he is under no delusions a monster will give it to him.
Juliet's voice in his head - both in terms of their past encounters and now, her role as the angel on his shoulder, were done so well. I could totally hear Juliet every step of the way.
I found his characterization of Kate and "freckles" and what she gave him, was an excellent representation of his formers needs and current wants. You treated their past together with great dignity.
And Jack, she whispers.
He hasn’t made his mind up about that one yet.
I got chills from this interaction. It was so in character for both Juliet and James. I wonder, did you leave Claire off the the list on purpose?
Thanks for this delightful distraction. I truly enjoyed it. As always, I was really impressed by your style, voice and insight.
no subject
Date: 3/21/10 03:07 pm (UTC)After last week's episode I was having a hard time understanding Sawyer and his motivations and I just needed to work it out. I hope he is just pulling another long con, I think I'd be pretty disappointed with anything else.
I went back and forth over whether or not to include Claire on the list, but I don't think she's a priority for him right now and she seems to be in Flocke's pocket so I'm not sure he would even trust her. But I bet Kate could persuade him to let her come along. ;)
no subject
Date: 3/20/10 03:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 3/21/10 03:10 pm (UTC)It was interesting trying to figure Sawyer out. I've never really tried to get into his head before, but I hope that this at least close to what's going on with him. I really need Juliet to still be motivating him somehow.
no subject
Date: 3/20/10 04:01 pm (UTC)which I love 'cause I hate Kate.Also, his pain was so palpable. God, what a heartwrenching story. I adored it. <3
no subject
Date: 3/20/10 08:50 pm (UTC)(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 3/20/10 04:22 pm (UTC)What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
And on a personal note, I love that, because I really love non-proposal proposals and I've always had an imaginary scene of a hypothetical question in my head since, like, June. Clearly you crawled into my brain! I love it!
no subject
Date: 3/21/10 03:18 pm (UTC)I really needed to try to figure out where he was coming from, for my own sanity if nothing else. Now I'm just going to keep my fingers crossed and hope that we're right.
Non-proposal proposal scenes are like my favorite thing ever. I blame The Graduate. ;)
no subject
Date: 3/20/10 05:09 pm (UTC)There is absolutely no way to coherently tell you how much I LOVED this. None. I even wanted to quote something but choosing sentences might make the rest seem less pretty which would be a lie. Perfection. ♥
no subject
Date: 3/21/10 03:19 pm (UTC)And I would totally give you my blessing. ;)
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 3/20/10 06:04 pm (UTC)that's a great part, here:
"And Jack, she whispers.
He hasn’t made his mind up about that one yet"
will you be writing a Sawyer and Mils cop fic? (not necessarily slash, but maybe friendship?) you'd rock that, I'm sure :)
no subject
Date: 3/21/10 03:22 pm (UTC)I hope that was what was going through his mind otherwise I'm going to be one very unhappy fangirl.
I'm sure I will write some Sawyer and Miles buddy fics. I'm totally in love with that AU. I know at least one will be slashy cause
no subject
Date: 3/20/10 07:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 3/21/10 03:23 pm (UTC)I'm perfectly okay with past-S/K, I just get twitchy with the idea of future S/K. I mean it has to be Juliet in the end. :)
no subject
Date: 3/20/10 11:33 pm (UTC)This is such a wonderful fic, perfectly characterised in every way. Sawyer's sadness and determination is so clear throughout it: I feel like by reading it I've gained a better insight into his behaviour.
And, oh my god, you broke my heart all throughout it with the bracketed memories of his life with Juliet. Ah, they deserved that happiness so much and they deserved to get off the island together. Poor, poor James.
Also? "Frankenlocke" is the BEST NAME EVER and you are a genius for it.
I love the way you handled his relationship with Kate here as well. It's clear that he still cares about her and they are still such kindred spirits, even if there is nothing romantic behind it now. It was really nicely done.
♥ ♥ ♥
no subject
Date: 3/21/10 03:26 pm (UTC)Thank you so much!
Sawyer's sadness and determination is so clear throughout it: I feel like by reading it I've gained a better insight into his behaviour.
This pretty much made my day. That's all I wanted to accomplish with this fic. I was having such a hard time understanding him after last week I just had to sit down and try to work it out. :)
no subject
Date: 3/20/10 11:40 pm (UTC)and I can't seem to master the copying and pasting on my phone.But yes, this was so good, and
SawyerJames to a T.no subject
Date: 3/21/10 03:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 3/21/10 12:20 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 3/21/10 03:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 3/21/10 02:16 am (UTC)I honestly didn't find that episode as Sawyer/Kate oriented as most people did. I really felt like he was having nostalgia for his past love and the simpler times. I loved how you put it though, how Kate was the catalyst in the James Ford transformation.
The writing was beautiful and clever. I loved the Let me give you the tour section. It was true Sawyer and so heartfelt.
I also loved the idea of Juliet being with him, in spirit, every step of the way. Just gorgeous.
I LOVED IT! ♥
You're amazing. Seriously.
no subject
Date: 3/21/10 03:30 pm (UTC)It was hard for me to understand where he was coming from last week, but I think you're right it was more nostalgia than anything else. I think it's just hard to get used to seeing him without Juliet this season. I'm still not sure how I became this emotionally invested in a ship that was only around for one season...but here I am. ;)
Beautiful
Date: 3/21/10 02:45 am (UTC)Re: Beautiful
Date: 3/21/10 03:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 3/21/10 03:00 am (UTC)He finds Kate by the fire. He wonders what these past three years were like for her. Wonders what she looked like with a kid on her hip, what happened between her and the doc, if she ever thought of him, what exactly she thought of when she did.
Okay, right there, with those two sentences, you just made me squee. Squee like a crazy person and then fall back in love with James. This is so poignant and lovely and sad and just . . . awwww. I adore this fic.
I mean, wow. I feel like I need time to process how awesome this is. You made me cry! Guh, seriously, if you told me I'd be weepy over a Sawyer fic two days ago I would have called you crazy. ;) You're insanely talented--the way you get inside of his head and work with canon and shape it into something so much more real than canon, so much more layered and so much more sympathetic, is really amazing. Your Sawyer voice is UNBELIEVABLE. I want to quote the whole thing back at you--while reading this I kept going "yes, yes, yes" in my head because it's all so true. Really, really gorgeous.
(And lol, I am ridiculously flattered by my name being mentioned in the header, even if you and I both know that I had nothing to do with this fic, it's all you and your genius! You're welcome to rant about Sawyer and/or James at any time! ;D)
I've already re-read this twice. I think it's my favorite fic by you, and definitely one of my favorite Lost fics ever. Going to my memories right now. ♥
no subject
Date: 3/21/10 03:36 pm (UTC)You are way too kind, but I'm so glad you liked this. See after I left my epic comment of James angst in your journal I just couldn't get him out of my head and then you replied back and I was like there has to be a way to understand what he was thinking.
And then I just started writing. I kind of need to believe that he wasn't backsliding, that this was all part of him mourning and fighting to stay true to the man he is now and not the bastard that he used to be. :)
no subject
Date: 3/21/10 03:48 am (UTC)That was fucking brilliant! I can't tell you how much I loved this. Your take on Sawyer is pitch perfect and I loved how you worked in everything from Recon so perfectly. Even the little moments I originally didn't like (like the dress), you made perfect. And his inner dialogue with Juliet was funny, sweet, and sad all in one. Awesome, awesome job.
no subject
Date: 3/21/10 03:39 pm (UTC)I think the dress moment was really the thing that inspired this fic because it kind of left me completely baffled last week.
no subject
Date: 3/21/10 07:08 pm (UTC)Made him a real boy when he wasn’t even looking, she was sneaky like that.
THIS. Makes my heart melt into a little puddle of goo.
no subject
Date: 3/22/10 03:02 am (UTC)(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 3/21/10 09:37 pm (UTC)Made him a real boy when he wasn’t even looking, she was sneaky like that.
You ever been in love?
Ask me again, ask me again and I’ll drink the whole damn bottle
loved it.
no subject
Date: 3/22/10 03:03 am (UTC)I was pretty frustrated with him too, writing is good therapy sometimes. ;)
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 3/22/10 03:46 am (UTC)A dead man and a con man walk into a cave.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one before.
This is simple, but I absolutely love this kind of narrator. You made it work so well!
no subject
Date: 3/23/10 03:33 am (UTC)I needed something, anything to make me feel better about Sawyer's actions in Recon
It was such a hard episode for me to understand. I just hope his motivation was Juliet. I need to believe that he's still James and that he won't lose all of the progress he's made.
no subject
Date: 3/22/10 07:38 am (UTC)I find the whole Sawyer/James issue a really interesting one, and you've expressed it so well here. I loved the whispered 'conversations' between James and Juliet (*sob*), and by filling in the blanks of Recon you've made the episode SO MUCH BETTER.
My fave bit was probably this:
My name is James Ford.
He thinks it over and over in his head until it becomes a mantra matching each stroke of his paddle carrying him back to Frankenlocke and Kate and all the rest of them.
James Ford.
He can’t forget that.
(You won’t.
Promise?
Absolutely.)
Reason 1. His name is James Ford and I really hope that becomes clear in the remaining episodes. I love him either way, but he needs to come to terms with the fact that Juliet banished Sawyer and he ain't never coming back.
Reason 2. Frankenlocke!! *gigglesnort* Love it.
Reason 3. You won't. Promise? Absolutely. - I know it's only four words, but the voices here are just perfect. Jules' in particular. To the point, but saying SO MUCH at the same time. Oh Juliet. COME BACK!
no subject
Date: 3/23/10 03:37 am (UTC)The James vs. Sawyer thing is like this never-ending debate in my head. I think in a lot of ways the Altverse settled that argument for good. Given a choice, he'll choose to be James and I think that's important.
On island I think Juliet was instrumental in making him take that final plunge and banish that persona. I kind of have to believe that he won't lose that. I mean Sawyer was a mess, James is a person. I want him to be a person.
Oh Juliet. COME BACK!
Yes please!
no subject
Date: 3/25/10 01:18 am (UTC)Basically, this was amazing, and I choose to believe it as canon. I'm so glad you wrote it - you gave what was a somewhat confusing episode so many heartbreakingly beautiful layers.
This one he aims to keep.
Atta boy, James. :)
no subject
Date: 3/26/10 02:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 3/25/10 03:54 am (UTC)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think this is probably my absolute favourite thing that you've written, though I adore Find a Map; I'm torn. But this is STUNNING. Like, so many parts through I found myself saying, "yes, yes, absolutely; this is PERFECT." I seriously don't think I would have changed a word; it's such a fantastically wonderful treatment of Sawyer, and his relationships with both Kate and Juliet. It's fair, and wonderful, is so completely respectful of every character. Juliet's voice in his head especially just grabbed me.
Ack, I wish I had words to tell you how much I adored this; I think this is something I really needed to read, and judging by the responses here, I think a lot of people feel the same -- so thank you so much for writing, and for sharing.
no subject
Date: 3/26/10 02:39 am (UTC)Thank you so, so much! After "Recon" I needed something to help me understand what James was doing, cause what I was seeing was just making me ragey. So I wrote fic.
Your feedback seriously just put a big goofy grin on my face. Thank you my dear, it means a lot to me. :D
no subject
Date: 4/6/10 04:05 pm (UTC)But it's still so beautiful and your Sames (yes, Sawyer/James) voice is too perfect and distraught. So lovely dear, even if it kills everything into ash <3
no subject
Date: 4/10/10 04:26 am (UTC)*Hugs*
Thank you so much!
I knew this one would be a rough one for you to read. I just can't understand how he can't be ripped up inside about losing her. If he's not then he's clearly not the guy I thought he was.
Is it weird that I'm not really nostalgic for season one? I get super nostalgic for season three though...which clearly makes me a weird Lost fan because most folks hated that season.
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 4/8/10 09:38 pm (UTC)Oh, oh, oh. I can see why you wanted to write this when you did. I can see why you needed to write this. And I love that you did that, because this is so good, it flows, and your grasp of the characters and your writer's voice -
Ask me again, ask me again and I’ll drink the whole damn bottle.
- marvellous.
And I approve of the title, very much so! ;)
no subject
Date: 4/10/10 04:28 am (UTC)They kept using the song in the promos and it's such a Sawyer song, I listened to it eleventy billion times before I started writing the fic. :)